Reflection

As I sit and reflect on this last year - I think God meant for it to be as hard as it was.  It was definitely my "rock bottom."  I've learned a whole lot, especially about myself.  I've learned who my REAL friends are and found that TRUE friends are really few but I'd rather have a few TRUE friends than 100 "fake" friends.

I have set goals for myself for the upcoming year and am going to work so incredibly hard at attaining them.

My children have grown so much this year - all of them.  Amanda is about to become a Mommy herself,  Zach is heading into the Army and the little guys, unfortunately they have had to mature faster because of our divorce but I am extremely proud of the men I know they are going to grow to be.

Yesterday, while I was at the hospital with Amanda, Nathan (10) helped my mom get the entire house ready for his little brothers birthday party.  I was so blessed to have my best friend (who is actually 14 years younger than I am!) and one of my sisters willing to come take over and help so I could be with Amanda.  Not many people would have been that lucky.  And they did it with love in their hearts - not burden - and they made TJ's very first "big kid" birthday party a huge success.

This morning, as I sit in my room at Mom's (which is also Mom's computer room & my dog's room AND the boys play room - I have NO privacy but I have a roof over my head so I am blessed) visiting with her about the days events yesterday - Nate comes in and says "Hey Mom, do you want me to vacuum up all this popcorn?"  I was stunned.  My 10 year old offering to vacuum my room for me.  He did it quickly, efficiently and without complaint.  I am blessed.

I have taught these boys love & honor - something their father does not do.  He "buys" them.  Sometimes I feel bad that they don't have one of every game system on the market but then I remember - I READ with them, I PLAY with them, I COLOR with them, I CUDDLE with them but most of all I LOVE them.  They know I am struggling and every now and again they will complain a little but for the most part they are great.  I am blessed!

Yes, my fibro makes it hard for me to get out of bed a lot of times, but I DO.  I am only 37, I REFUSE to let this put me down.  I take my vitamins and my meds and just take it slower some days than others but I get up instead of just laying and crying.  This WILL NOT EVER debilitate me because I have 4 wonderful kids and a grand-baby that will soon be here to be there for and be active in their lives.

I am discouraged because nothing is coming in the job market.  I desperately need a vehicle to get out and about and just live every day life but also to find a good job.  I feel in my heart it is soon to come.  I probably won't ever be able to give the boys the materialistically filled life their father does, but I give them love and someday - (my goal is within the next 6 months) I WILL secure an apartment for us and be able to provide.  I'm regaining my faith in God.