I'm not really sure where to begin this blog. Do I go to the day I was born? My childhood? Or my shitty marriage with an abusive, alcoholic, cheating husband that just ended? I think none of those because maybe at some point in my entries I'll recall tidbits of things that happened if it's on my mind that particular day. No, I think I'll start with today.
My current mood? Hmmm - I'm not sure yet, it's too early in the morning. I AM discouraged. NOTHING is coming thru for a job. I want to be working so badly. I NEED to be working. I want to give these little guys the best life possible. My fibro is killing me lately - of course I stopped taking the pain meds too but I didn't have a choice. I refuse to live my life addicted to narcotics. It's just not happening. My kids and little Charlie bean deserve better. And I desperately want to get OUT of Mom & Dad's. I mean come on - living at Mommy's at 37 years old is just soooo attractive. UGH! I shouldn't complain. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and food to eat. Good parents, good children and yes the fibro sucks but I do have my health. And a few very select best friends in the entire world.
Sure, I could drudge up my history - and Mom does, on a daily basis - but I've learned to tune her out. I've made mistakes, haven't we all? I've made some really poor judgments. Haven't we all? Nope, not her! Why sit and cry about it?! A New Year is upon us in a few days. Time to stand ground, get on my feet and show everyone what I'm made of. One problem. I have NO IDEA how to do that!! I DESPERATELY need a job. I mean DESPERATELY. That is goal one. Well goal one is a combined goal. Job and car. How I'm going to pull that one off I have no clue. But being stuck in the damn house day-in and day-out is no good for my depression (OR for the kids rambunctiousness) and trying to share a car with Mom & Dad is an absolute nightmare. I'm not allowed to go 5 feet with the damn thing. Trying to get ANYTHING done is an absolute nightmare. No doctors appointments, grocery store runs or just 5 minutes of peace without complete interrogation and a time limit being set. A time limit at 37 years old? I'm not 15! No privacy, not even my own bedroom. And as people read this they are probably saying "ungrateful little bitch!" No - I am plenty grateful, I really am, but it isn't peaches and cream. I went from having my own house, own space for 14 years to being booted out on my ass with absolutely nothing and no where to go. My kids went from being able to be little boys - to being told they are making WAY too much noise.
CAR NEEDED - IMMEDIATELY. CAR = JOB = BETTER LIFE FOR ALL OF US!
Amanda is literally about ready to pop - I had to wait an hour and a half for Mom & Dad to drive me to the hospital yesterday because GOD FORBID they let me take the damn car. She could've had the baby in that time. Of course I got the whole "I don't know what you're so upset about" "It's not the end of the world" "She's not the first one to have a baby". Well guess what...she is MY first child to have a baby. This is MY first grandchild and I am a nervous wreck! I have no car, she has no car and her boyfriend has no car! If she's anything like me, she'd going to go quick. She's already 5cm dilated and contracting 3-5 mins apart and we live a fricken hour away from the hospital! My labors were like this: Amanda - 7 hours total. Zachary - 5 hours total. Nathan - 1 hour total. Tyler - 21 MINUTES. Yes folks, the Dr needed a catchers mitt for him. I went from 5cm to fully dilated in 30 seconds flat - no lie.
Zach's due to leave soon for boot camp and I already know when it comes time to bring him to the airport it's going to be a battle to get the car because Dad can sit and sleep (no he's reading the newspaper dammit!) all damn day long at the kitchen table, the SECOND I even THINK about using the Jeep - I swear he's reading my mind because all of a sudden it's "I got things to do too you know". Um, at almost 80 years old, no you really don't!
And I haven't even mentioned poor Lilly yet. Lilly-belle is my almost 2 year old American Bully/Pit mix. She's beautiful. However, she is confined to a crate because Mom & Dad won't let her run around the house. She's either crated or tied outside. I can't bear to give her up because I feel things will get better soon (PRAYING LIKE ALL GET OUT!). She's my therapy. They are afraid that she's doing to eat their rat dog - Daisy May. This little thing is the most gremlin like dog - seriously her face looks like a gremlin. She weighs 1 1/2 lbs and is the nastiest little thing. Actually she's not, but towards Lills she is. If anyone is going to hurt someone, it is going to be HER hurting Lills. Lills just looks at her like "Ya, ok, whatever" when she barks and growls at her. ACTUALLY - they'd probably make GREAT play-mates and cuddle buddies. I should try it one day when Mom & Dad go to one of Dad's gazillion Dr's appointments.
TJ is going to be up any minute all excited for his birthday party today - I am going to grab a quick half hour nap - then jump in the shower and start getting ready for his party at 2pm.
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