Wow - everything is hitting me at once!  Any day now I am going to be a Memé...at 37 years old!  And in 19 days my oldest son is leaving for boot camp.  While I am proud of him, I am so frightened.  He will do close to 4 months at boot then because he didn't finish high school he will go to military high school and get a diploma after 9 months and from there go straight to tech school.  He will be gone close to 2 years total.  His brothers are going to miss him and it upsets me that we don't even know if he'll get to see Charlie born.  Today is so overwhelming for me, I'm barely keeping it together.

Today for some reason, I'm just in a "mood".  All I want is the life I USED to have - minus the alcoholic abusive husband.  I miss my Expedition....loading all the kids in and just going for a ride - or having the money to hit the after Christmas sales.

All I wanted was a new bead for my bracelet, a Northface jacket and a pair of Ugg's.  Ebay-ing, Freecycling.

I just want something new, for ME.  I want to be greedy just once and splurge on myself for some brand new things and I just can't do it.  Mean while - SHE has MY house, MY husband and MY truck and pretty much all my belongings.  I have been glued to this damn computer all day trying to figure out HOW to make money because traditional job searching is doing NOTHING.  Thankfully it's a nice day so the boys can play outside but I still feel like I am neglecting them.  Time to call them in, snuggle up with a movie until their dad comes to get them.  I'm praying that FCC comes thru for me.  I don't know how else I am going to get a job without a vehicle. Today would have been perfect for a road trip to the Berkshires.  All I can hope is that by February vacation I have a vehicle - preferable an SUV - AND a job so I can do something with the kids. Altho I will have to check the calendar because I don't know if it's MY vacation with the kids or HIS.  I think we split them, I don't remember.

I DESERVE a normal life and so do my kids, whatever normal is - and I just can't seem to obtain it no matter what I do.

Reflection

As I sit and reflect on this last year - I think God meant for it to be as hard as it was.  It was definitely my "rock bottom."  I've learned a whole lot, especially about myself.  I've learned who my REAL friends are and found that TRUE friends are really few but I'd rather have a few TRUE friends than 100 "fake" friends.

I have set goals for myself for the upcoming year and am going to work so incredibly hard at attaining them.

My children have grown so much this year - all of them.  Amanda is about to become a Mommy herself,  Zach is heading into the Army and the little guys, unfortunately they have had to mature faster because of our divorce but I am extremely proud of the men I know they are going to grow to be.

Yesterday, while I was at the hospital with Amanda, Nathan (10) helped my mom get the entire house ready for his little brothers birthday party.  I was so blessed to have my best friend (who is actually 14 years younger than I am!) and one of my sisters willing to come take over and help so I could be with Amanda.  Not many people would have been that lucky.  And they did it with love in their hearts - not burden - and they made TJ's very first "big kid" birthday party a huge success.

This morning, as I sit in my room at Mom's (which is also Mom's computer room & my dog's room AND the boys play room - I have NO privacy but I have a roof over my head so I am blessed) visiting with her about the days events yesterday - Nate comes in and says "Hey Mom, do you want me to vacuum up all this popcorn?"  I was stunned.  My 10 year old offering to vacuum my room for me.  He did it quickly, efficiently and without complaint.  I am blessed.

I have taught these boys love & honor - something their father does not do.  He "buys" them.  Sometimes I feel bad that they don't have one of every game system on the market but then I remember - I READ with them, I PLAY with them, I COLOR with them, I CUDDLE with them but most of all I LOVE them.  They know I am struggling and every now and again they will complain a little but for the most part they are great.  I am blessed!

Yes, my fibro makes it hard for me to get out of bed a lot of times, but I DO.  I am only 37, I REFUSE to let this put me down.  I take my vitamins and my meds and just take it slower some days than others but I get up instead of just laying and crying.  This WILL NOT EVER debilitate me because I have 4 wonderful kids and a grand-baby that will soon be here to be there for and be active in their lives.

I am discouraged because nothing is coming in the job market.  I desperately need a vehicle to get out and about and just live every day life but also to find a good job.  I feel in my heart it is soon to come.  I probably won't ever be able to give the boys the materialistically filled life their father does, but I give them love and someday - (my goal is within the next 6 months) I WILL secure an apartment for us and be able to provide.  I'm regaining my faith in God.

Exhausted

Physically and emotionally drained.  Ready to give up - totally.  The last time I was without a car I was without one for 3 months but it was summer and it didn't seem to be as bad as it is now.  Of course that was before the divorce was final and I was able to be on state assistance.  Per the divorce agreement I have to be self-sufficient or they are going to give my ex custody of my two youngest boys.  I am getting more discouraged by the day.  NOTHING is coming thru.  Hopefully I will at least get good news from Home Depot on Friday - I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying like crazy.  I am also praying that my friends at FCC will bless me.  I know there are people that have been there longer & have sadder stories than mine, and I don't think I am any more deserving than anyone else but I can't lose these boys.  They are my LIFE.  They are all I have.  The older kids are out and Mandy is about to start her own family and without a car and job, not only am I not going to be able to take care of the boys, but I won't be of any use as a Memé either.

I WANT TO WORK - I LOVE WORKING - I WANT TO BE ABLE TO JUST SUPPORT MYSELF!

I am praying so hard for a miracle and it just seems as tho no matter what I do, none will come.

The desperation for a car is growing by the day.  We are back in the hospital.  Day two and it looks like they're going to send my poor baby home again.  I feel horrible, I'm missing TJ's very first big kid birthday party but I had to hitch a ride when I could get one.  if I had my own damn vehicle, I could've stayed  home and enjoyed his party and been able to get here if/when she called to say she had been admitted.  I desperately need a miracle.

What's more is I called Home Depot to check the status of my interview almost 3 weeks ago now & they STILL haven't decided who they're hiring.  They were SUPPOSED to have their decision last week before the holiday.  I guess the good new is I am in their top 3 and I hope the fact that I have called a multitude of times to check the status of the position shows that I am very interested and eager to work.

The beginning

I'm not really sure where to begin this blog.  Do I go to the day I was born?  My childhood?  Or my shitty marriage with an abusive, alcoholic, cheating husband that just ended?  I think none of those because maybe at some point in my entries I'll recall tidbits of things that happened if it's on my mind that particular day.  No, I think I'll start with today.

My current mood?  Hmmm - I'm not sure yet, it's too early in the morning.  I AM discouraged.  NOTHING is coming thru for a job.  I want to be working so badly.  I NEED to be working.  I want to give these little guys the best life possible.  My fibro is killing me lately - of course I stopped taking the pain meds too but I didn't have a choice.  I refuse to live my life addicted to narcotics.  It's just not happening.  My kids and little Charlie bean deserve better.  And I desperately want to get OUT of  Mom & Dad's.  I mean come on - living at Mommy's at 37 years old is just soooo attractive.  UGH!  I shouldn't complain.  I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and food to eat.  Good parents, good children and yes the fibro sucks but I do have my health.  And a few very select best friends in the entire world.

Sure, I could drudge up my history - and Mom does, on a daily basis - but I've learned to tune her out.  I've made mistakes, haven't we all?  I've made some really poor judgments.  Haven't we all?  Nope, not her!  Why sit and cry about it?!  A New Year is upon us in a few days.  Time to stand ground, get on my feet and show everyone what I'm made of.  One problem.  I have NO IDEA how to do that!!  I DESPERATELY need a job.  I mean DESPERATELY.  That is goal one.  Well goal one is a combined goal.  Job and car.  How I'm going to pull that one off I have no clue.  But being stuck in the damn house day-in and day-out is no good for my depression (OR for the kids rambunctiousness) and trying to share a car with Mom & Dad is an absolute nightmare.  I'm not allowed to go 5 feet with the damn thing.  Trying to get ANYTHING done is an absolute nightmare.  No doctors appointments, grocery store runs or just 5 minutes of peace without complete interrogation and a time limit being set.  A time limit at 37 years old?  I'm not 15!  No privacy, not even my own bedroom.  And as people read this they are probably saying "ungrateful little bitch!"  No - I am plenty grateful, I really am, but it isn't peaches and cream.  I went from having my own house, own space for 14 years to being booted out on my ass with absolutely nothing and no where to go.  My kids went from being able to be little boys - to being told they are making WAY too much noise.  

CAR NEEDED - IMMEDIATELY.  CAR = JOB = BETTER LIFE FOR ALL OF US!

Amanda is literally about ready to pop - I had to wait an hour and a half for Mom & Dad to drive me to the hospital yesterday because GOD FORBID they let me take the damn car.  She could've had the baby in that time.  Of course I got the whole "I don't know what you're so upset about" "It's not the end of the world" "She's not the first one to have a baby".  Well guess what...she is MY first child to have a baby. This is MY first grandchild and I am a nervous wreck!  I have no car, she has no car and her boyfriend has no car!  If she's anything like me, she'd going to go quick.  She's already 5cm dilated and contracting 3-5 mins apart and we live a fricken hour away from the hospital!  My labors were like this:  Amanda - 7 hours total.  Zachary - 5 hours total.  Nathan - 1 hour total.  Tyler - 21 MINUTES.  Yes folks, the Dr needed a catchers mitt for him.  I went from 5cm to fully dilated in 30 seconds flat - no lie.  

Zach's due to leave soon for boot camp and I already know when it comes time to bring him to the airport it's going to be a battle to get the car because Dad can sit and sleep (no he's reading the newspaper dammit!) all damn day long at the kitchen table, the SECOND I even THINK about using the Jeep - I swear he's reading my mind because all of a sudden it's "I got things to do too you know".  Um, at almost 80 years old, no you really don't!

And I haven't even mentioned poor Lilly yet.  Lilly-belle is my almost 2 year old American Bully/Pit mix.  She's beautiful.  However, she is confined to a crate because Mom & Dad won't let her run around the house.  She's either crated or tied outside.  I can't bear to give her up because I feel things will get better soon (PRAYING LIKE ALL GET OUT!).  She's my therapy.  They are afraid that she's doing to eat their rat dog - Daisy May.  This little thing is the most gremlin like dog - seriously her face looks like a gremlin.  She weighs     1 1/2 lbs and is the nastiest little thing.  Actually she's not, but towards Lills she is. If anyone is going to hurt someone, it is going to be HER hurting Lills.  Lills just looks at her like "Ya, ok, whatever" when she barks and growls at her.  ACTUALLY - they'd probably make GREAT play-mates and cuddle buddies.  I should try it one day when Mom & Dad go to one of Dad's gazillion Dr's appointments.

TJ is going to be up any minute all excited for his birthday party today - I am going to grab a quick half hour nap - then jump in the shower and start getting ready for his party at 2pm.